I’m slowly recovering from my recent excessive traveling. I’m at a point now where I recognize the difference between how I was feeling when I first got home versus today. I distinctly recall feeling like it would take months for me to recover enough to travel again. And at the time, I thought it was a conservative estimate. Today, I agreed to return to Denver on Saturday. I didn’t immediately agree. There was a lot of breaking things down into small bits, and re-examining the challenge, before I got there. The overall result is that my anxiety is lower now. That’s always a good thing.
There will be structure to my time, as usual. I always try and knock out a few goals while I’m there. I figure when I’m already that far outside of my comfort zone, throwing in an interview or hair appointment on top is a good strategy. My anxiety level can only go so high, as far as I’m aware. So far in my life, the highest point is a full blown panic attack, resulting in my laying on the ground like a puddle of goo, hyperventilating, crying, and either wishing very hard that nobody would approach me, or thanking the universe that nobody approached me. It sucks very much, but it’s never killed me. So when I know I’m going to spend the weekend with my anxiety level just under the panic attack stage, I add 1 or 2 things that would normally have the same effect individually.
I guess my logic is that if I’m going to do something that makes me feel like shit, I may as well do as many as I can manage in short succession. The odds are too near even on whether or not I end up having a panic attack either way. Might as well do as many panic inducing things as I can manage, since the rest of that day will be spent in isolation beneath a weighted blanket, regardless. I still jump in the pool all at once, rather than lowering myself in slowly while adjusting to the temperature. I realize my logic is flimsy, but that’s part of why I like it. It’s like Logic is being a smart ass, and that’s a personality trait that I find particularly delightful.