Ohhhhhh. John-John.

I had a deep conversation with a friend, followed by a phone call where I received devastating news.  My mind is reeling, but at the same time, I’m figuratively curled into the fetal position at the back of my mind, silently observing the world from a safe distance.  I know it’ll be a while before I’m able to fully grasp things.  I guess this is an instance where knowing myself has paid off, because I’m feeling fairly calm, considering.  There’s absolutely nothing I can do to change the situation, and I got to this realization so quickly I’m practically patting myself on the back for the accomplishment.

It’s pretty rare for me to think of myself as weird, but that did it.  I’m frustrated with my limited ability to grasp abstract concepts.  I hate that I can get so close, but just before it clicks, something shiny…  I know that I have control over my attention, so it stings that much more when I entertain moods where I regret having allowed myself to worship my interests, and completely forsake that which didn’t immediately stir my curiosity, for so long.  It’s a form of laziness that I possess, know I possess, and am doing absolutely nothing to overcome.  Forgive me, Universe, for I continue to sin.  In fact, I’m so audacious in my refusal to repent, that I’ll go so far as to blame you-as-entity for being so fucking fascinating.

I enjoyed playing the special hashtag game very much.  It was positive, and confessional in nature.  People admitted to having secret struggles and challenges in life that I otherwise would never have known.  It completely succeeded in helping us to see one another more closely and honestly.  It felt great to collectively acknowledge our compassion for humanity.  A lot of well respected hashtaggers joined in, and were funny and thoughtful.  I love that it’s a community of creative people at heart.  It always shines through.

I did worry about the political aspects, but fortunately for my ego, the Autism advocates I interact with decided to look the other way.  Thanks for that.  I know a lot of ableism and ignorance was being bandied about unchecked.  I didn’t have the necessary courage to rectify that situation.  It was much easier for me to cringe privately, and then just smile and nod at what I know was well intentioned, and that’s what I did.  I’ll be bringing it up in therapy, (because I know rhymes with deb won’t let it slide twice).  Again, thanks for tolerating my growth curve.

Autism Thoughts

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