I’m home again, and for a while this time. I’m so over flying. Doing it twice in as many days was too much stress, and I wasn’t able to sleep while in Denver. I’m so sleepy. But we have Match Game tonight, and I don’t want to miss it. I had weed on Friday night with my nephew, and I can still feel the lack of constant anxiety nagging at me. It’s nice, and I always forget how good it feels to be relaxed in my body. When it first overtakes me, it’s like stepping into a soft, even shower where the water temperature is steady and perfect. Then when I experience it again, it’s like a new discovery. It’s weird, because when I’m home and don’t have access to weed, I don’t crave it, or even think about it.
I’m pretty much addiction proof when it comes to substances. I figure it all evens out in the end. I don’t like alcohol because it burns, or is bitter, or tastes nasty. I don’t understand the concept of acquiring the taste of something that isn’t instantly delicious. So I don’t drink coffee, either, but I love the smell of it. I’m probably part of the reason people felt the need to declare themselves Foodies, and begin recruiting. They find my lack of interest in food borderline offensive. That probably shouldn’t amuse me.
It would suit me just fine to eat protein cubes and supplements, so long as they taste good. I’ve spent hours sitting alone at the dining table, staring at food I refused to eat. The fact that I never once gave in is something I consider an accomplishment. My Mom was not easy to out stubborn. I suspect by the time I came along, half my victories were guaranteed due solely to her sheer exhaustion from raising the 8 stubborn siblings that preceded me. It still counts.
I feel like I’m in limbo, and when it passes, I’ll be faced with a lot of stress. I want to be using this time to rest and get ready for the battle on the horizon, but so far I’ve been functioning from moment to moment. It’s a dangerous place to linger, and I have a plan to snap out of it as soon as the sun goes down. In the past, I’ve barely noticed when I was in this state. Now I’m more aware of things that didn’t even matter to me a year ago. I used to think knowing how I felt at a given moment was silly. Now, I think I was just calling it silly to hide the fact that I didn’t know the words to describe how I felt most of the time.
I need to start restricting my thoughts to English only. I’ve been thinking in a concise mashup of several languages for as long as I can remember, and it’s not compatible with communicating in real time with other people. It certainly makes me anxious. The time it takes to translate into words I’ve seen them use before is excruciating. If I’m more comfortable with a person, I just let it go and say whatever I’m thinking. I trust them to give me a chance to apologize if I step in it. Strangers aren’t generally as forgiving. It seem backwards to me, but since it’s working in my favor, I won’t overthink it.