Today was frustrating. I’m taking a medication to lower my T hormone levels, but unfortunately it seems to be working far too well. Sitting up in bed shouldn’t be this difficult. Moving and being awake are almost more than I’m able to manage. I know exactly why it’s happening, and that at least eliminates the sheer panic I would otherwise be feeling. Sluggishness is a trigger for me. I feel drugged, and on the verge of tears. I know it’s temporary, but my mind won’t stop hypothesizing negative scenarios. My cat is put out that I won’t play with her. Usually when she spontaneously tags me, and I say, “I’m gonna getcha!”, it begins a fun game we play often. She’ll take off running, but only quickly enough to stay just out of my reach.
If when we play I do something typical, like stub my toe, she’ll wait for me to recover. I love her for that. I feel guilty that I can’t entertain her. I feel like I’m failing, even though I know intellectually that this is purely chemical, and has nothing to do with how well I’m utilizing my coping skills. It’s frustrating, because I don’t have the energy to argue with myself until reason prevails. I feel whiney, which means I’m annoying myself. Deep down, I’m worried that after my thyroid is removed, and I begin taking a synthetic replacement, the prescription won’t be sufficient to prevent this becoming a permanent state. It’s a finicky treatment that will require my taking it at the same time every day.
I have to trust that the doctor will prescribe the right amount, and that’s not easy. I don’t like relinquishing that much control over my wellbeing to a stranger. But at least I’m pretty sure that I’m experiencing the low extreme now. I’m surviving it, I suppose. So I guess I can surmise that regardless of how competent my doctor is with prescribing the proper dosage, I’ll survive. I’m going to write down my questions and ask before anyone touches my thyroid. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure insomnia beats sluggishness. It’s a close call, though. I’m off to read. At least I can still do that.