Tomorrow is a big day for me. I’ll be stepping so far outside of my comfort zone that I’m not even feeling anxious. It’s as if my body is saying, “Look… If you’re going to be all badass and try to pull off shit we never even considered before, then I’m just going to sit back and chill. You got this.” I made an Outline of Preparation, and am working through it step by step. The only one that will be difficult is going to bed at 10 PM. I’ve programmed my computer to give visual reminders in order to stay focused and not lose track of time. I’m auditioning to play violin with a group of strangers this summer in a series of concerts.
I still have to pick out what to wear. It says to dress casual. That ambiguity almost eliminated me, but I decided that I’m going to wear what I normally wear on Fridays. Jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers. I figure if my clothing are more of a factor than my playing, than this isn’t the group for me. I haven’t discussed this audition with my therapist or family yet. I’m not sure if this is a chicken-shit move, or if it’s just not important enough to mention. I want to do this by myself because if I’m chosen, it’ll feel more awesome to me than if I have assistance. But there is the fact that if I don’t get chosen, I don’t have to mention it them, ever. So I guess it’s a little bit chicken-shit, but I’m okay with that.
And now the anxiety is creeping in. Little surges every time I think about tomorrow morning. Nice try, Anxiety. I see you there, trying to sabotage my plans. But I’m not going to let you win this time. Your days of keeping me locked in my tiny world are over. I’m doing this audition no matter how much I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff on a windy day. You don’t own me, and your little surges of fear are only making me more determined. I know all I have to do is show up and do my best. So fuck off.