I didn’t get much done today. Just my chores, and I cleaned my vacuum. My kidney stone is on the move, so for most of today, I’ve been pacing in a futile attempt to make the pain go away. It’s getting ready to hurt again, I can just feel it. I’m pretty sure I’ll be passing it soon. I really want to go for a run, but I’m afraid the pain will flare up again, and I’ll be miles from home. It’s 38° F right now, which is perfect for a long run. I had forgotten how much kidney stones hurt. I’m voiceless right now. I haven’t been able to speak since freaking out over my lease renewal coming up unexpectedly.
My body rarely manages to keep pace with my mind, which is très annoying. Now that I’ve calmed down and talked plans with my therapist, it should be back. I hate this. If I stress about not being able to talk, it only makes it take longer for my voice to come back. Every single time, I have a tiny bit of fear that this time it’s never coming back. It’s not even a rational fear. I hate irrational fear. I like things to make sense. When they don’t, I figure my way of coping doesn’t have to make sense, either. I have my vinyl bodyguards to protect me from irrational fears. They do nothing but entertain my need to fight irrationality with irrationality. I keep them lined up on a picture ledge above a window in front of my Mac desktop.
Muttpop, Michael Lau, and I forgot the artist for the one on the far left. My Michael Lau figure (4th from left) is kinda rare. No irrational fear is getting past these vinyl bodyguards, dammit. They’ll intimidate it to death. If that’s not irrational, I don’t know what is. I’m off to writhe and curse until this damn kidney stone passes.