Brace yourselves. I have unbelievable information to report. I totally missed my Seinfeld fix today. I usually catch it on TBS. I haven’t started shaking or anything, but I am considering subscribing to HULU+, and streaming a few episodes later. Yes. This is happening. This is America, dammit. Nobody should have to go more than 12 hours between Seinfeld reruns. We’re a civilized country, for gosh sakes. Ask anyone who plans to vote in the upcoming POTUS election. They’ll tell you, (to vote for their candidate).
I’m in a mood. It involves my being too lazy to identify it as good or bad. I passed a threshold in therapy today. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it became quite clear later. As with all challenging things in life, the ones you choose to face will come to a point where you have to decide if you will continue fighting onward, or if you’re going to cut your losses and try another tactic. Once that brief window closes, you can either decide to fight onward, or you can decide to allow it to level you. I’m not 100% convinced that the latter is an actual choice, or if it just happens sometimes. Either way, hesitating is foolish. Nothing good can come of it when you’re playing chicken with yourself.
So the way I see it, I have to fight onward. I can’t pursue a tactic I know will fail. So onward it is. I’m scared. I was going to say I hate that feeling, but who doesn’t? I’m vulnerable because I chose to trust my therapist. It’s not something I regret. It feels to me a lot like posing nude for an art class. Intellectually, you know they are looking at your naked body, and are now privy to a part of you that was previously private, but also that they aren’t seeing you as a person, but as a form to recreate. So you pose, and you wrestle with your mind and self esteem, and it becomes a whole new level of privacy. They can see your naked body, but they can’t know the many thoughts racing through your mind as they stare. (It’s an experience where you can measure positive personal growth in a single afternoon. I highly recommend it).
So I’ll be scared, and I’ll probably have some nightmares here and there. She told me up front how things were likely to go, and so far she’s been spot on. I’ve been scared before. It’s very uncomfortable, but I can survive it. Some people like that feeling, and are thrilled by it. And of course I can survive nightmares. So it’s not really a mountain. More like a hill. I’ll just lean in.