Today has been quiet and peaceful. I feel disconnected and free. My largest accomplishment so far was washing my car, but I’ll be doing laundry tonight when it’s cooler. I’ve been sleeping at least 4 hours a night recently. It’s nice to have my brain operate in real time for a change. I had to pause just to recall my own name the other day. That’s ridic. Being an airhead is one thing. Getting distracted by hearing the breeze is another. I’m happy to report no more accidental injuries. I ruined my 2 day streak of no bruises, though. The toilet grabbing gravity check left a doozy on my thigh.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I need more schooling. I’m not certain yet if it will require my enrolling in another degree program. I sincerely hope not. One PhD is plenty for me, thankyouverymuch. I love learning new things, but I resent the amount of time wasted while attending a formal school. I want to see strong A.I. in my future. I know many doubt, but I don’t care. It’s been the overall goal of my life. The one thing that always gets my undivided attention. The thing that I think about when I run, and in my sleep. I don’t care about fame or fortune. I care about being fascinated with every ounce of my being.
I know I’m not alone in my obsession. I avoid networking with other A. I. devs and researchers who are working for some companies. Many assume there is a single path that we’re all climbing together, with a clear and compatible goal at the end. That’s not the case. There are already sinister application goals, of course. You can put the cart before the pony if you throw enough money at it, I suppose. I also don’t share information at this point, because deep learning is profitable, and I’m not strictly speaking financially. But you can refocus your eyes, because I’m done with that topic.
I saw the new Kindle, and want it. Dammit. I just got the paperwhite. So I won’t get it unless my paperwhite meets with some sort of accident. It probably won’t. It’s odd that I still crave new gadgets, but haven’t bothered opening the latest ones I’ve acquired. I even put it on my schedule, but everything got flipped, turned upside down, and it didn’t happen. I feel like I’m running from something, but it’s different. I’m not running out of fear. I’m running because it’s what I used to do, and I haven’t figured out how to stop yet. It never felt this uncomfortable when I was running out of fear. Now, I think I’m starting to resent it. It’s interrupting me, and that’s my pet peeve.
I realize this makes me seem simple minded, but I don’t mind because I’m pretty sure I am. When I feel like I’m stuck, be it from a misinterpretation, a shocking revelation, or being overwhelmed, I act out my mental resolution. I literally clean and organize my living space to help get my brain unstuck. Even when it’s a minor hiccup. I’ve caught myself aligning magazines while trying to keep it together in loud, bright waiting rooms. Sometimes, counting everything isn’t enough. I miss a lot of appointments because the waiting room situation kicks my ass. Oddly, the waiting room at the dentist is the least stressful. Walk-in on a Monday morning is the most stressful.
I suspect one of the things I’m going to gain from therapy is an off switch. We talked about routines and schedules. I could tell she wasn’t impressed with my half-ass solution for when I hyperfocus on work. She didn’t say, “How’s that working for you?” with words. But the awkward pause and almost laugh said it loudly enough. I’ve admitted to the fact that I’m depressed. It’s a low level depression, so it’s something I normally would ignore (deny?). And that defeats the purpose of striving for a happier life. So… Hi. I’m Alison. I’m depressed. But I’m drinking milk, and… No. I know. Joking about it doesn’t make it disappear. It just makes coping with it more fun. It’s my depression, and if I want to have fun laughing at it, then that’s what I’m going to do. Because laughing is the opposite of depression.