Say Vandelay Industries

It’s been a good day.  Things went well at work today, and the guys were marvelling that after only 1 therapy session, things are “back to normal”.  I told them that it’s true we had a good day, but not to assume that it means 50 minutes of talking her ear off and listening to feedback was all that was needed to eliminate the issues with which I’ve struggled.  I said the can of worms is open, and now I have to keep fighting through symptoms until my subconscious catches up.  While I do that, she’ll teach me some new skills for coping so that the next time I’m struggling, I can work it out by myself.

Now that I’ve calmed down about opening up to her, I can comprehend her feedback better.  At one point she asked me for further details about what we were discussing.  I felt myself start to shut down.  It felt like I was being yanked back and up at a very high speed.  But before my body locked up, she said it was okay, I didn’t have to tell her.  It happened in an instant, and the timing was perfect.  A moment longer, and I wouldn’t have been able to understand that she retracted the request.  I would have had a meltdown in front of her.  I’m so glad that didn’t happen.  But it also made me recognize the fact that I’m afraid of that happening in front of her.  So I’m disarming that minefield.  It’s irrational, and I hate being irrational.

A few friends on Twitter helped me make a form to address sexual harassment in the workplace.  They read it, and agreed not to continue with the behavior.  The guys like to tell dirty jokes, and make sexual innuendos at work.  It’s uncomfortable to me because it doesn’t fit in the co-worker relationship category.  I ignored it for a long time.  Then I didn’t want to hear it anymore, so I just worked from home most of the time, and kept my office door closed when I went in.  My work performance hasn’t been where I want it, either.  Low level depression symptoms are easy to miss.  I took a depression assessment quiz the other day, and some of the answers I chose were inaccurate because I didn’t realize at that time some of the symptoms I’m experiencing.  It didn’t click that my new VR goggles and Alexa Dot gadgets, still sealed in their packaging, is an example of my interests waning.

Normally, when I get a shiny new gadget, I’m like teenager who just bought their first car.  I want to spend time with it, show it off a little, and figure out everything it can do.  I keep thinking about them, but still haven’t touched them.  A friend on Twitter figured it out when I mentioned this.  I need to put it on my schedule.  I have to push myself to do the things I normally love for now.  Eventually, the effort required will decrease, until it’s gone.  Then I’ll be able to experience the joy again.  For whatever reason, knowing this helps.  I always find comfort in knowing what I need to do.

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