It’s cold today. It’s 37F but windy. I guess my blood has thinned already for this to feel cold to me. Running outside acclimatizes me to the weather quickly. Now if it would just stop changing so drastically from day to day. Looks like it’s warming up again next week. I guess tonight it’s back to the treadmill. Unless I can find my good baclava. I keep all my outdoor accessories in a basket, but I’ve gone through it a few times and didn’t find it yet. I doubt I misplaced it. I think it’s more a case of going on 48 hours without sleep. It’s starting to hurt in my bones. That feeling means my body is going to go to sleep whether I like it or not. I have a 2 hour window for my run, so it’ll be fine. When I return, I’ll stretch, and take a bath with a lavender bath bomb.
I should sleep after that. The only potential barrier I foresee is the fact that I just got a new book. Well, 3 actually. But at this point, I don’t think I’d retain anything I tried to read anyway. I met with a new therapist today. We talked about my reasons for seeking therapy. More like she gently guided me through the process of recognizing things we can work on. Normally, I would have had a script worked out in advance. But sleep deprivation has left me like a zombie. I did remember to ask her why she chose to be a therapist. Her answer made it a cinch to pick her. She gave a thorough answer, too. I was impressed. I know it probably doesn’t seem like the right question. But the way I see it, a person’s motivation says a lot about them. Some people are motivated by money, or fame, or championships. Some people are motivated by accolades and recognition. Many people claim they are motivated by helping others. But you have to be careful with this one. Not everyone who claims it means it. It’s interesting that the seemingly altruistic motivator is also the one most often lied about.
There are also a lot of people who just aren’t motivated at all. I wasn’t concerned about what motivated her to pursue her career so much as I was interested in knowing if she’s passionate about her chosen profession. Body language is generally wasted on me, but I can often detect emotion by the words used, and the delivery. If it sounds rehearsed, it might be rote rather than sincere. Long pauses that are out of rhythm with the conversational cadence often mean half-truths, lies, or no comprende. I could tell she’s motivated, passionate, and sincere. For me, those are a prerequisite for anyone I allow in my life. The rest is mostly frosting.
It just occurred to me that the things I think when I’m meeting someone for the first time are probably weird. I know. I should have seen that coming. I pay attention to things like, how many times did they laugh? Do they smile with their eyes? Do they figure out what you’re trying to say before you manage, and say it over you more loudly than the other words? In most cases, it means I’m taking too long to express myself. Too long for the time allotted versus too long for their tolerance level matters. Are they draining my energy? That one is harder to work out in real time. But usually if my thoughts get that far, I’m not really in the conversation anymore. I’m just memorizing what’s said to go over later. When I go on autopilot during a conversation with someone new, it’s usually because they’re too loud, or too much cologne, or physical contact without permission. Those are pretty much the “on” switch for autopilot.
I stayed in the conversation with the new therapist the whole time we talked, (~30 minutes). It means I’m comfortable talking to her, and not in sensory hell. Yay. Maybe some cheesecake…