I just can’t spare a square

I’m burned out.  It’s funny, we had a chat about this on Twitter yesterday.  It probably made me more aware of the fact that I’m experiencing it.  My desire to isolate is overwhelming.  I think it’s a combination of depression, not sleeping well, and not running every day.  Running would resolve all of the above.  Well, not completely.  Part of why I’m not sleeping well is because it hurts to sleep on my side right now.  My usual position with legs tucked into my chest atop one another is the culprit.  I tried a pillow between them, but it doesn’t stay there long.  I roll over to accommodate my cat, or natural shifting, and wake up with bruised inner knees.

I can’t sleep on my back.  It’s just too vulnerable for me.  It’s upsetting that I’ve already lost muscle mass in my legs.  I know it will return when I’m running again, but I hate feeling weak.  My sister is coming to visit tomorrow.  I’m dreading her reaction to my weight loss.  I ordered some knee pads which should arrive on Wednesday.  Hopefully that will help.  I’ve been so hot of late.  I think my blood is thick to cope with winter, but it’s been going up to high 30’s for several days now, and it feels too warm.  I don’t run the heat unless it’s well below zero.  The temperature in my apartment has been between 65 and 67 F which is too hot for me in winter.  It’s so weird, because in summer that would be too cold.  In summer, I keep it at 69 F.  I have all my windows cracked, and it’s 63 F right now, which is perfect for me.

My sister will take me to restaurants for most meals while she’s here, so that will help.  Especially pancakes, which I love.  I never cook them myself because I’ve never managed to turn one over and have it remain intact.  Cooking and I just don’t go together.  I watched an episode of Dr. Who with the Twitter movie group last night, since I couldn’t sleep.  I loved it.  We followed up with a movie on Crackle, but it was a pain because everyone else was getting commercials, so I’d pause and we’d sync up again when they finished.  It was something about punk rockers with a lot of actors I recognized from other films.  It wasn’t a good movie by any stretch, but we were still having fun commenting on it.

I got another offer on the app I’m working on.  This time, they want to capitalize on the fact that it’s created by Autistics.  I think I’m going to sell it because I haven’t found a voice actor yet, and I want to move on to a new project.  My sister will negotiate for us, which is good, because none of us are good with talking to strangers.  It makes it clear that we need to hire someone who is good at talking on the phone to clients, and managing deadlines and the like.  I don’t know any local Autistics that have this strength, so it might result in hiring a Neurotypical.  I don’t mind either way.  We have a teenaged girl who will be graduating in the spring who wants to join us.  She’ll be going to university part time for graphic arts.  She mostly does web stuff, which is awesome, because I hate web design.

I think I’m going to focus on working on my quilt.  My finger is healing well.  I realize now that it was hurting because it was so deep, and as it heals, the divot where I sliced off part of my finger is repairing from the inside out.  It’s far less painful now, and I suspect it won’t be terribly noticeable when it’s finished healing.  Yay.  I have more cutting to do, but I’ll be using rubber fingertips this time.  I do so well in isolation.  It makes my anxiety go down, and my joy go up.  Life was so much easier when I didn’t acknowledge the world outside of mine.  I know it’s not a lifestyle I can return to, but the memories are nice.

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