It’s been a productive day. It’s been an overwhelming day. I weighed myself. I should have thought that through before stepping on the scale. My weight is too low, which means I won’t be able to run for a bit until it’s up again. The timing sucks, because running is the best way to combat depression. I almost allowed myself to entertain my frustration and disappointment by spiraling further down the depression chute. But, I caught myself. I still have a military mindset in some ways. When I mess up, I internally rip myself a new one, then laugh at myself. But when I’m already fighting off a wave of depression, it’s not amusing. So instead of getting down on myself for not eating enough, I’m going to make some meals in advance, and use my Apple watch to remind me.
I get too absorbed in coding and lose track of time. When I start to get hungry, I ignore it until I feel dizzy or my stomach hurts. It’s not a conscious act. It just has to smack me about the head and neck for me to notice when I’m busy. The Depression Monster is riding my back, which is pissing me off because I have shit to do, and I’m SO FUCKING TIRED of fighting it off. I’m going to play Warcraft later just so I can kill the shit out of some monsters and vent some rage. I know how it’ll go. I’ll massacre a bunch of poddlings outside my garrison, and then someone will say something funny in chat, and I’ll laugh, and realize I’m not angry anymore. Then I’ll do my garrison and shipyard chores, and run some dailies. By the time I log out, I’ll have beaten off The Depression Monster for another night.
I’m going to order some nuts. And some pizza for dinner. My cat just licked my neck and cheek. She’s laying on my desk between me and my keyboard. She’s so cute.