Gravity Check

I got about 2 hours of sleep last night.  It was my anxiety that got in the way of sleeping more.  The night before, I had bad nightmares.  When I finally broke free of them, I was weeping.  It’s recurring in that I find myself in an impossible situation, and I’m stuck.  I’m not sure what triggered it.  The book series I’m reading is about an MMORPG game in which most people who play it for more than 5 hours in a row end up becoming permanently logged in.  I’m on book three out of seven.  I’m enjoying it immensely.  The author is Russian, so for once it’s not from the perspective of an English speaking protagonist.

The corruption in this new permanent digital milieu involves enslaving people and torture.  That might be what triggered my nightmares.  The worst part in the novels is that the characters stuck in the game forever can’t die.  They respawn at their designated respawning point.  I read of people being tortured until they changed their respawning point to where they were ordered.  And of characters being enclosed in the walls of a castle.  As is the case with all MMORPG’s, the dark side of the lore is very dark.  I try to ignore that sort when playing Warcraft.

The thing about the situation that upsets me is being stuck and powerless to improve my situation.  I’m sure this is a nightmare for everyone.  It provokes such a visceral response when I’m sleeping, and most vulnerable.  I try not to make sleep my enemy, but sometimes it’s hard.  Like last night.  I went through my mental imagery for lucid dreaming, and slept okay at first.  Then my brain kicked into overdrive, and sleep became futile.  I got up and played Warcraft.  My Horde toon is now level 47.  I’m having trouble leveling my cooking, because the few recipes I have call for ingredients I haven’t yet encountered.

I decided to not worry about professions for now, and just enjoy playing.  This is my first toon doing alchemy and herbalism, so it’s interesting.  Someone sent me some herbs in the mail.  I assume it was someone in my guild.  It’s very active.  There are usually between 4 (at 5AM) and 40 people logged in at once, and not even during raid times.  While I was playing earlier, and people started logging in, joking and helping each other, that song from Annie came into my head; ‘I Think I’m Gonna Like it Here’.  I’m always thinking of songs that fit a situation to amuse myself.  I just need to be more vigilante about not singing them aloud without realizing it.  Actually, I’ve tried this many times, and I still do it.  Oh well.

I don’t think it’s possible to force myself to become self-conscious.  I would have to be in a sensory deprivation chamber, I think.  Otherwise, forget it.  I think of it as a filter.  Those who find me too strange when they catch me singing quietly, or jumping, or whatever, are usually people who won’t fit into my world anyway.  Most people don’t.  I’m okay with that.  I’m happiest when isolated from others because it’s when I’m most calm.  This has always made me suspect I’d make a good candidate for distant space travel.  Or space observation from an asteroid or space station.

I tried to get in an outdoor run last night.  It didn’t go well.  I had to walk through snow up to my mid calf to get to the trail, which left me with wet ankles and cold feet.  I didn’t put on enough layers, and my hat wasn’t thick enough.  I only put on running tights under sweatpants that weren’t windproof.  I didn’t bring gloves or mittens, and just a basic knit beanie.  Then I wore a t-shirt under a long sleeved shirt, covered with a hoodie, and a windproof jacket that had no lining.  So I was cold, soggy, and I almost fell several times, and finally did near the end.

I only ran 2 miles or so, because I started to sweat.  It was a spur of the moment thing, and I should have just used the treadmill as planned.  It was 30 F outside when I left.  I don’t know why I forgot to wear windproof sweat pants on top.  I have winter running gear, so there’s no excuse.  Knowing me, I’ll try again when the snow melts, just to correct the mistakes I made last night.  When I was a teenager, I ran year round regardless of weather.  I ran in -15F before, and although it hurt to breathe it was fine.  When you’re moving constantly, you stay warm enough so long as you layer properly and wear wind blocking top layers.  Also, against your skin needs to be sweat wicking material.  I have running spikes that attach to my running shoe soles for ice.  I just hate wearing them when it’s not absolutely necessary.

I have hats of varying layers, gloves, mittens, ski goggles, a few baclava’s, and a face mask meant for snowboarders I think.  I prefer to run outside over the treadmill, but I guess that’s probably obvious.  I just have to be careful of black ice on the bike trails.  I have a wicked bruise on my hip and upper thigh from hitting some when I was almost home.  It didn’t hurt very much when it happened because I was too cold to feel it well.  But it hurt to lay on that side last night.  It looks worse than it is, though.  At least I know why I have the bruises this time.  I have one my calf that’s been there for a few days that I have no idea how it happened.  This is typical for me, though.

My brain is moving on to something else, so I’m going to lay down in front of the TV and not have nightmares.  Everybody Loves Raymond is on.  I love this show, except for Debra being such a bitch.