My Dad Was Better Than Santa Claus

I still feel like a zombie.  The time change is kicking my ass.  I got a lot done this morning with latest project.  I think freebie clients are more particular than the rest. I wonder if there is a correlation between people who dedicated their lives to helping others, and their ability to visualize an idea in detail.  Not enough data. Interesting, though.

A potential client called me on the phone.  Two things about it bothered me.  First, the call was at 6:03 AM.  There are several reasons I can imagine as to why that happened.  None of them compensate.  The second thing is, I don’t talk on the phone to clients ever.  I don’t publish my phone number with my credentials.  I very specifically give only an email address.

So this person had to go out of their way to acquire my phone number.  I am pretty sure I know what is going on with this client.  It’s a wealthy man who is used to playing by his own rules, and is used to everyone else complying with his every whim.  I know this because I’ve worked for a colleague of his before, and that’s likely who referred me to him in the first place.

He left a message asking me to get in touch.  No problem there.  I will think about whether or not I want to work with him and decide tomorrow.  I won’t reject the idea based solely on his financial status and general attitude.  These are things that won’t matter unless I decide to allow them to matter.  I could easily decide to be insecure, and thus refuse to tolerate his behavior merely because it comes off as arrogant.  Or I could look at it like he has an effective, no nonsense approach to everything, and is focused on the goal, not the logistics.

The latter is more logical to me.  I have been taught two ways of seeing this situation.  But one way is through the eyes of an insecure person who goes out of her way to find a reason to feel slighted.  The other is through the eyes of a professional who doesn’t pay any mind to things that don’t advance her to the goal.  The latter is more logical.  The former is what I was taught by my peers.  The latter what I was taught by myself, the military, and logic.  So it’s obvious which way I’ll run with this.

It bothers me that some people would consider me foolish for choosing the latter. Its just another reminder that I’m weird, and will never fit in because I can’t even understand the mindset of “normal”.  The bother is not overwhelming or destructive.  It’s constant and annoying.  It’s annoying to be unable to relate to most people.  It’s annoying to have to stop and wonder if they mean what they say this time, or if they are telling socially acceptable lies that I should automatically decipher in real time again.

I know I shouldn’t care that I can relate to an arrogant, successful white man far more easily than any black woman I’ve ever met in my life.  But when you look at this world, society tells me that my enemy is the wealthy white man by default. Society doesn’t give a shit about logic or fairness.  Society doesn’t give a shit that my dad was a wealthy white man.  Or that he was incredibly gentle and selfless.  And in order to live in society, I have to deal with it to an extent that disgusts me.  It sucks.

I’ve always had a dream that one day an alien ship would land and take me home. That I would be delivered to my planet of origin, where people were like me, and said only what they meant, and were kind and concerned about the whole, not the one.  It’s evolved as I’ve grown and experienced life.  I know it’s a fantasy.  But I still dream of it.  It helps me relax.