Unfocused Rambles

It’s still raining on and off.  The farmers needed it, so I don’t dare complain.  I had bizarre dreams last night.  They weren’t the usual recurring dreams I get when my dead relatives star in them.  My brother Steve, although dead for 14 years now, often shows up in my dreams.  I think it has a lot to do with how important he was in my life.  I don’t really know how to describe our relationship.  I just know that his passing left an emptiness that I’ve never refilled.  It’s odd, because he was so much a part of me, but I’ve learned to survive without him.  His role in my life didn’t require being replaced.  His absence required me to grow.

Most of my memories of him are hilarious.  There are some dark memories that I push away because I can.  He was far from perfect, and he really tested my limits of forgiveness. But the big picture reflects the joy we shared more than anything else.  I still have a note he wrote me while I was recovering from my military service.  He was supposed to pick me up, and was so late I had begun walking home instead.  I was still very shaky in public at that time, but my anger at his seeming abandonment fueled my huffy walk home.  When I was more than halfway there, he pulled up beside me and started giving me excuses.

I wasn’t having it, and refused to listen.  I walked the rest of the way home, feeling less angry, a little relieved, and extremely childish.  I was thinking about the fact that he probably spent some of the time I was walking searching for me.  It occurred to me that he was probably afraid when he returned and I wasn’t there.  I know all about the older sibling panic when you fail to protect your younger sibling.  When I got home to the apartment I shared with him and his girlfriend, my anger was gone.  I felt guilty for putting him through that.  I was unharmed, and there was no reason for me to be so stubborn.

He was playing Playstation with his friend when I entered.  He apologized again, and I said it’s okay.  I had purchased a t-shirt for him, and put it on his bed.  Then I went to my room and stimmed for a while.  My anxiety hadn’t caught up yet.  After a bit, I noticed the folded up piece of paper on my bed.  It was his apology.  I keep it in my safe now, along with my birth certificate, my gold, and my special shiny things.  The gold is from when I used to listen to Oprah.  That’s amusing to me now.  I kept it because I really don’t know what the hell to do with it.  That amuses me too.

I think Oprah has good intentions, and has worked hard for everything she’s got.  But she’s lost her influence with me.  I don’t like it when people use other people for financial gain.  This is why I refuse to invest in the stock market, and will never host an IPO.  My company will remain private until the government steals it.  Actually, it won’t need to.  I always have DARPA in mind when I build my software.  I don’t believe in creating weaponry.  I only play defense.  That leaves a lot of options.

I focused on forcefields for years.  But now I’m almost positive they already have that technology.  If I can figure it out, so can many others.  They may be obsolete now anyway, with drone technology.  I’ve given a lot of thought to expanding forcefields to encompass cities, but I’ve set it aside until we go back to nuclear power.  We can negate the worst effects of global warming if we switch to nuclear power by encompassing ourselves in forcefields, and building up and down instead of out.  It’ll change the way we house ourselves, but that’s past due anyway.

I trust that material scientists read as much science fiction as I do.  The technology is never really new.  Engineers and scientists are never short of goals at which to aim their efforts. Right now, I fear a lot of their genius is held up by antiquated power sources.  Nuclear power is so obvious.  Ignorance is no excuse to continue raping the planet.  We’re not the only life form here.  I’d love to see an epic fantasy movie about the animals fighting back and taking dominance away from the human race.  Planet of the apes was fun, but still too narrow minded.  I want an endangered species to get really pissed off, and take revenge.

But unless it’s a virus, it’s not going to happen.  And even then, I’m skeptical.  Self destruction is still the most likely cause of the end of humanity.  And the means have existed for too long for me to worry.  So it looks like the future is going to be.  Yay.