New Shoes

I was delighted to realize my custom Star Wars  Adidas shoes arrived today.  They turned out to be better than I was expecting, and also came with a Star Wars pull string bag.  Now I just need a Star Wars hat, and I will have a complete Star Wars outfit.  I have a black Adidas track suit with a Yoda image on the back of the jacket.  It has neon yellow stripes on the arms.

I’ll wear it when I go see the new movie.  I was hoping to go to the OTA meeting today.  Unfortunately, it sold out before I even heard about it.  It made me realize how out of touch I am with my own community.  I’ve spent so much time on the east coast with my schooling and research that I’m more familiar with that community.  I haven’t done anything to build networks locally since I got my PhD.  I guess because I don’t plan on staying.  I’m moving to Denver in a year, and have done some networking there with others on the autism spectrum.

Aside from the game series I’m working on, I haven’t followed up on any job offers.  I feel kind of bad about this, because I know deep down that the biggest reason is because the very idea of starting a new job with strangers gives me surges of anxiety.  It’s hard to recall that at 17, I entered the Army in a different state, where I knew noone.  I’m sure I was anxious then too, but that was before I had PTSD.  It’s changed me in many ways.  I’m not adventurous and daring anymore.  I realize that being so young played its part in that, but I can still sense that I’m less ambitious.

I try to keep that in perspective.  I’m not less, I’m different.  I’m a new me, and that’s okay.  My experiences changed me just as they do everyone else.  It’s normal.  Blahblahblah.  So, the new me isn’t even considering moving to Japan to start a new career.  I love anime and robotics, but I know how hard it is to move to a different country where you don’t speak the language.  I’m not up for that.  I’m disappointed in myself for not being up for it, though.

But I’ll get over it.  I have a plan, and am putting lots of time into my current projects.  That’s one good thing about being aspie.  I can hyperfocus easily.  I don’t really have an off switch once I get into what I’m doing.  I usually only stop to care for my cat, or to attend to my biological needs when I can no longer ignore them.   I haven’t had my period in a long time.  I can’t remember how long.  I know it’s because I got too focused, and didn’t eat enough for a while.  I’m starting to gain the weight back now, so it’ll probably return to normal eventually.  Not that I miss it.

After that happened, I’ve been doing better with eating.  I just need to try harder with having more variety in my diet.  I think part of the reason I struggle with this, is because I don’t understand why I can’t eat the same things for every meal every day.  I think it should be a good thing.  My frequent kidney stones disagree.  I did add a new fruit, though.  I like mangos now.  So there’s that.  Oh well, I better get back to being a code monkey.

The Struggle

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: