“Well, this is a little awkward, isn’t it?”

awkward dogs

I’m going to borrow a segment from my favorite podcasters, Jade and Keia, of Gettin’ Grown podcast, titled, Honesty Box.  Here we go.  I’m doing this because I know what I’m about to share is generally considered oversharing in society.  I decided life is too short to conform to society’s model of typical.

Oversharing is an invented concept to describe being open in a manner others may find uncomfortable to witness.  If they see it as awkward, it’s likely because they’ve learned it’s the expected reaction.  Oversharing has a negative connotation resembling an insult.  Many seem terrified of being accused of this social crime.  I’m more interested in grokking the status quo of privacy in general, as it appears to be an endangered concept.

I know I’m naked.  I suspect (and hope) others who are highly sensitive to the energies of others have accepted this knowledge by age 40, too.  I don’t use energy worrying what I share online might be socially awkward.  I was born into an energy crisis, literally and figuratively.  Conservation and I go way back.  (Inside joke with disabled people.)

I low-level analyze everything I observe.  I’m convinced it’s a symptom of being human.  I could give a lecture on light and dark colored car trends in the parking lot adjacent to my balcony, for example.  I’ve been studying the patterns since I moved in.  Because I’m alive and I notice.  (No lecture, I promise.) 😂  thumbs up, like

I low-level study trends on my blogs, too.  Such as variations in numbers of likes and comments between topics, writing styles, etc.  It’s mostly a subconscious observation, but I’m aware enough to ponder what I’ll do with the data.  Do I want people to like my posts?  Or, more to the point, what does it mean when someone does?

When I click like on someone’s blog entry, it means more than one thing.  It says I support the author, and read, watched, or viewed the information presented.  It means I like the author.  If you shared the same information in person, I would tell you out loud.  (Even though people react in surprising ways when someone says, “I like you.”)  That’s all.

The embarrassing part is the fact I assume everyone else does it for the same reasons.  I suppose I could require people to agree this is what they mean before clicking in the future, but that seems like a lot of work to stop getting likes altogether.  😂  I feel a surge of joy when someone clicks it on one of my entries.  Sometimes, I do a little dance.

Elon Musk from Wired Magazine

It makes me happy because I see it as a deliberate connection with another human because it’s their will.  You knew I was weird.  🙃  I don’t know of any like-bots running rampant on WordPress, so I know they’re genuine.  I haven’t seen this discussed before so I’m glad we had this talk.  Hopefully, you’ll share your thoughts in the comments.  💜

Tangent:  Elon Musk was trying to be a hero when he sent the mini-submarine to Thailand.  I think accusing him of doing it as a publicity stunt is vile.  (He’s a celebrity.  He can’t do much without publicity, eh?)  Humans were in mortal danger.  Instead of doing nothing and feeling helpless, he did the best he could manage in a short time.  He has resources and wealth to make action possible, and he chose to act.

Elon Musk behaved like Ironman and Batman because it was his will.  He doesn’t get credit for the rescue, but the potential loss of life was reduced to one Navy seal, (much respect.)  He still took extraordinary measures to assist.  He behaved like a hero.  (More like Deadpool after quoted comments, but hero.)  Cheers to Elon Musk, a hero in waiting.

“So you’re denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?”

I spent a little time using an Adobe web app called Spark, this afternoon.  It’s super easy to use (without bothering with the built-in tutorial.)  It helped me express myself with more than words in a short amount of time.  (It also reinforced my desire to continue learning Premiere Pro and After Effects.)  You’d think the message would indicate despair on my part, but nope.

I’m more resolved to endure as long as I can despite the willful ignorance, deception, and destruction surrounding me.   The hurt and betrayal I feel don’t decrease as I process the status quo, though.  I don’t know what to do with these feelings, other than experiencing them.  All the hate and ignorance being spread are motivating me to fight for all who are marginalized.

M and I agreed it’s our duty as citizens to support and protect them to the best of our ability.  We’re focused on the LGBTQIA+ community presently.  We had fun helping out (serving food and cleaning up) during Pride this year, and it felt magnificent to be in the vicinity of so many people celebrating.

Despite what I think is coming, I’m hopeful.  Part of me is amused because it’s probably ridiculous at this point.  I choose to hope because I’m in love with the human race.  People are my favorite fascinations;  Each one a unique universe, capable of incredible good and evil acts.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we figured out how to live and let live in harmony with all that’s alive?

That’s my dream.  I plan to use what remains of my life doing what I can to make it a reality.  I’m going to fight to help bring The Force back into balance by policing my actions so they match my values.  Watching so many preach one thing and do another strengthens my resolve.  Sheryl Crow nailed it with her latest single, titled, I Wouldn’t Want To Be Like You.  The universe shows us, over and over, life finds a way.  I believe.

“That’s the guy who threw George out of the wedding.”

traditional wedding

Today I am so very contrary.  Anxiety keeps pinching my adrenal glands, giggling at the hormonal chaos that ensues.  My mind betrays me further by throwing up too vivid snapshots of moments in the past that triggered this response.  Yeah.  Thanks for reminding me why Anxiety took up permanent residence in the first place.  I’d forgotten.  Not.  (Yep.  I talk like it’s still 1987.)

M asked me if I have an idea of when we should marry.  I didn’t immediately answer.  Instead, I instantly regressed to a 5-year-old mentality, then willed myself to mature back to adulthood.  It was like passing an emotional kidney stone, but I managed.  I’ve been low-level processing this question for months.  I know what I want.  I was afraid it wouldn’t match what M wants.

I used the whiteboard to outline my pros, cons, and an alternate option.  It was a necessary bridge to the discussion that followed.  I feel like I destroyed some of M’s innocence in the process.  He’s never experienced the repercussions of being virtually owned by another entity.  I don’t think it’s something people ponder unless it touches their lives.paper beats rock

I know many others have experienced the potential horror of seeking asylum from an abusive marriage by using 911.  They too see how the attitudes and beliefs of individual law enforcement affect the justice for a perceived possession far more than any laws.  They’ve probably also experienced medical professionals in their face asking why they don’t merely call the police; while glaring with accusing eyes.

I think M understands why paper beats rock, now.  A paper marriage license almost got me killed last time.  Experience outweighs statistics in this instance.  I don’t want to do it again, even if my reasons are (now) irrational.  I’d prefer creating a partnership that doesn’t involve the government.  (Especially one that’s attempting to transition into The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood.)

It disgusts me that in 2018, what is or isn’t between my legs has more influence over my life than any other factor on this planet.  I know when people look at me, they’re automatically assessing my worth based on things for which I have no control.  Many determine how to treat me, and whether I deserve respect or even life itself on the same basis.  I’m an NPC (non-player character) in this vile game of fraudulence and domination.wedding hands

I catch myself thinking about the citizens of Germany during the Holocaust of late.  Visiting the Dachau concentration camp memorial in Bavaria transformed (and broke) me more than any other single event in my life so far.  It’s likely why Anxiety is beating me about the head and neck.  I’m a pattern finder.  It’s no wonder I feel like I can’t catch my breath most of the time, these days.

M told me he wants to be my partner for life, and we can celebrate it however I want.  I responded like a 13-year-old who just found out her crush like-likes her, including the pre-choreographed dance routine and high-pitched squee.  Shutup.  Heh.  I’m relieved it didn’t turn out to be a case of, This is Where I Leave You (funny movie, btw.)  I’m off to work on my vows for our untraditional partnership.  🙃 💜

“If she doesn’t show up, we can’t possibly have dinner with him alone.”

people having fun

I’m on the fifth book in the series, A Song of Ice and Fire, by George R. R. Martin titled, A Dance with Dragons.  Unlike many others who love this series, I’m not ready for the next book.  I’m not impatiently waiting for its release.  Instead, I’m trying to catch up.  The story has many layers, many of them so blatant; they’re subtle.  I need to read the first five books a few more times.  Yay.

I thought studying literature ended when I finished university.  Especially since my field of study had few such requirements, (Computer Science.)  Now I realize it was just preparing me for a lifetime of intensive reading.  I’m presently studying several epic tales simultaneously.  They’re interrelated because they’ve become embedded in my life story.

The King Killer Chronicle, by Patrick Rothfuss, The Stormlight Archive, by Brandon Sanderson, The Harry Potter books by J. K. Rowling, The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson, and of course, A Song of Ice and Fire.  (Only one of them is convincingly complete.)  I’m astonished by the depth of insight into the human condition these novels represent.

I read to gain information, and I’m most interested in people.  It’s also one of my favorite things to do when awake.  I don’t often discuss what I read because I tend to get too excited (and forget to pay attention to whether or not others are interested, ((and I’m not confident in my ability to determine said interest.))  It’s easier to avoid talking about books altogether than resist oversharing at this point.  🙃

angry intimidation

Many of the things I’m learning about human nature in these novels are disturbing.  It takes little effort to find examples in real life that substantiate the behaviors expressed in the stories.  I believe these amazing writers have a profound understanding of human nature.  We recognize ourselves and those we know in what they write.  It provides a truthful foundation for the imagined and allows us to believe, even if only for a while.

I’m coming to terms with the dark side of humanity as I read.  I’m growing emotional callouses.  Most of us are capable of choosing whether or not to harm others.  The majority of humans don’t want to hurt anyone, (and don’t.)  I call it rational behavior.  I’m learning to understand how to cope with those who harm deliberately.  President Gregor Clegane and his venomous cult make it necessary.  I’m off to continue studying.  ✌🏽

“You could read the paper through the whole thing if you want.”

AFTF: Puma Custom Genetic Supplement

I hope those celebrating are having a blast this Independence Day.  In case you missed it, Sheryl Crow is releasing her final album in 2019.  After that, she’s only releasing singles.  Stevie Nicks is going to be on it.  I’m grinning like Oprah just adopted me.  😁   Just a quick flyby before our gig.  I’ll be back to regular posting this weekend.  ✌