I haven’t posted in a while. I was distraught and found solace in silence. During that time, I did a lot of thinking, growing, accepting, and letting go. I purged several rote beliefs that weren’t working out. I forced traumatic memories into a distant room in my mind and unimagined the door. I can’t forget them, but I don’t want to be owned by them, so they’ve been banished from my thoughts. The resulting lessons are all that matter.
Rebuilding myself was a painful process, but it was necessary. I like who I am now. I’m in the midst of transforming, but the groundwork exists. I know I’ll experience far less stress in the future. I’ve kicked guilt and regret to the curb, as I’ve finally grokked the ridiculous concepts they are. (Needless to say, I still have no time machine and am not actively trying to create one.) 😂
I looked back on the choices I’ve made thus far and noted patterns. When I was a teenager, I joined the Army. Soon after that, I joined a fundamentalist Christian church, as well. I see now a lot of my choices were because I didn’t know how to do life. I wanted instruction and desired to know all the rules. I believed and enjoyed following rules. They made me feel like I was doing life right.
I thought there was a right way and a wrong way, and I wanted to be sure I made right choices. The Army was excellent with rules and telling me what to do, and how to do it. I loved having manuals with diagrams for virtually every action, lots of tradition, history, and guidance. I fully intended to serve as long as permitted. I believed I made an incredibly wise decision by volunteering. I fell for all the recruitment tactics, thinking I was helping my community and nation. I thought I was a brilliant teenager doing noble work for a good cause. 😂
In reality, I was an American teenager. I don’t fault myself for volunteering to be (further) groomed by my country. I was clueless, enthusiastic, and incredibly naive. Now, when I remember reciting the Pledge of Allegiance as a child, I forgive myself. Of course, I fell for it. I was born without wisdom. I’ve since acquired a smidgen. The purpose of grooming is rape. I’m quite literal. I know myself well enough to accept I had to experience it to understand. I recognize I’m slow to grok reality.
The Army also afforded me the chance to visit other countries, which quickly led to realizing patriotism, nationalism, etc., were mere tools to create tools. People are as different as they are alike. Individuals, every one. At this point in my life, my only reliable classification system for humans: asshole or not. I hate assholes. I want nothing to do with any of them. I used to choose only to behave in a manner that doesn’t cause deliberate harm to others, regardless of how they treated me. After much thought and experience, I’ve abandoned this strategy.
There are a lot of humans on this planet. Most are striving to live their lives to the best of their ability in harmony with those around them. They have no interest in going out of their way to hurt other people. These are the people I love. There are also a lot of assholes living on earth. I no longer hold any compunction against killing any asshole who deliberately seeks to kill or torture me or those I love.
Assholes choose to be hateful, spiteful, vile, and destructive. They kill people for existing while being different, despite their not harming anyone. They lie, steal, cheat, and create misery merely because they choose to do so. I don’t care about them. They’re troglodytic vermin who are actively seeking to destroy our future as a species. I don’t value assholes. I’m glad they’re all going to die, (even if I don’t lift a finger to speed up the process.) I’m going to enjoy what remains of my life while avoiding them like the plague they are.
Not all are entitled to kindness, respect, etc. I’m so glad I finally believe this. I’m going to go enjoy being my new self; Alison who thinks, who hates assholes, and only values those who don’t seek to destroy. Me who throws away trash, and doesn’t look back or agonize where I can’t affect change. Yay.
P.S. Thanks for reaching out to me in my absence, Lily. Also to those who gently nudged in other ways. I love and appreciate you. Comments close automatically after a few days due to spam, (digital assholes.) 😂
I made a terrible mistake in attempting to seek abuse-free care from the Sioux Falls VA. I didn’t even realize I messed up until earlier today, roughly 24-hours before I was to meet with the Patient Care Advocacy Director and a Mental Health professional, to discuss my complaint of past abuse at the facility. I sat down to prepare some notes on issues I wanted to address, and requests for reassurances the mistreatment would cease before I attempted seeking care again.
I didn’t get very far before I realized I was weeping. My blood pressure spiked, and I was shaking. All the memories I’ve spent years burying resurfaced and leveled me. All the nasty comments I endured played out in my head all over again. The hateful glares, the lies, the threats, and the relentless anger swept over me as if it all happened moments ago. My resolve shattered into a million tiny pieces.
I sent the Patient Care Advocate a note, apologizing. I told her I’m not as strong as I thought. I feel horrible for wasting her time, but I’m unable to force myself to go back to the VA. I’m a bit surprised by this revelation. I’m also disappointed in myself. I remember when I could (and did) endure anything that didn’t kill me. I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I’m not who I thought I was. I’m no longer a brave warrior who can fight through any pain or fear. I’m the dog cowering and shaking in the corner after being kicked for too long.
I know I’m not the only person traumatized by alleged mental health professionals and staff. I witnessed the abuse of patients at the VA, and have talked to others who confided in me about being mistreated there as well. It led to a conversation about the apparent attractiveness of working in mental health wards for sociopaths and sadists. I recall feeling validated I wasn’t the only one who noticed. I’m relieved I know enough now to prevent further abuse.
I know never to open my door for the police. I know if The New and Improved Depression Monster catches me to drop everything and get the hell out of South Dakota, (where it’s still 1960.) I know which questions to refuse to answer. I understand being mentally ill is a crime, and asking for help leads to severe punishment. Experience is an excellent teacher. I know I’d rather die than go back to the Sioux Falls VA. I guess I’m just another statistic, after all.
I found out a few days ago the Fleetwood Mac concert is now in February. I narrowly escaped a meltdown over canceled plans. Instead, I’ve been coping with brain fog, but at least I still get to anticipate the new date gleefully for three months. Brain fog sucks, but it’s much better than shutting down altogether. I fought off The New and Improved Depression Monster (TNAIDM) last night. I’m surprised by how quickly I managed to kick his sorry ass. I’m trying not to think about it too much (because I’m worried it may have just been a flyby before an epic battle.)
The lingering melancholy is yet another round of recognizing I messed up (socially) again, but I haven’t yet figured out what I did wrong, or with whom. It’s merely a sense I’ve offended without intent. The evidence is so tenuous and speculative; I don’t dare accept it as a certainty. Instead, I’m struggling to refrain from beating myself up over it, while also trying to convince myself refraining from all social situations isn’t an optimal solution. (I wasn’t kidding when I confessed my inner five-year-old is usually in charge.)
I’m frustrated because I know social isolation is not only doable, it’s often attractive. The downside is the fact it limits the depth of happiness. I’m once again debating constant but lonely contentment in isolation, versus what is allegedly more healthy, positively more joyful, but also filled with lots of pain: socializing. I spend much time here; I should probably decorate this Freaking Chamber of Perpetual Deliberation. Sigh. Presently, the desire to withdraw emotionally and STFU be silent is overwhelming. Sharing my thoughts is (evidently) irresistible and eventually devastating. (All the swears.)
I love that humans are so complicated, with infinite depths within each. It’s why they fascinate me. Observing and interacting with them is like a drug to which I’m addicted. It’s just that I can’t seem to master communicating. It’s as if there’s an intricate dance I must perform to gain access, but I can’t hear the music. I can almost hear the universe belly-laughing at me, though. Chase that carrot, bitch! I suppose it is a bit funny from a particular perspective. I may suck at talking to people, but perhaps I’m like Wanda Sykes to the aliens watching us for entertainment.
That’s the shirt I’m wearing right now, (expressing my usual sentiments toward aliens.) I’m going to design one that says; I Might Be a Famous Comedian on Kepler-186f, then order it and wear it. Yep. I’m that weird, don’t you know. 😂 (And this is after decades of trying desperately to fit in.) Fortunately, the older I get, the less I bother stressing over silly shit like clothes. Clean and comfortable are the only criteria I aim for, these days. I still get a good chuckle whenever I remember all the time I wasted worrying about what others think of what I’m wearing. If you don’t like it, don’t wear my clothes. 😂 💜✌🏽
I’m not typically one to rave about the sports, but this is amazing! I didn’t even know this sport existed before viewing this footage. I’m an instant fan. I also want to experience it for myself, (preferably with no audience.) I’m reasonably sure I’d spend a good deal of my float time bashing into the walls while screaming; not that it would dissuade me from trying repeatedly. Kyra Poh makes it look easy, though. I think this is the type of footage we should broadcast to aliens.
Nine days until the Fleetwood Mac concert. Part of me wants to camp out in the parking lot until it’s time for the show. I already have my ticket and have practiced driving there twice. I’m excited! I’ve made a few contingency plans on the off chance my car breaks down, or the garage door refuses to let me out of the parking garage. Nothing I can control will prevent me from seeing this concert. Nothing! Muahahaha!
I’ve been trying to write this post all day, but I’ve taken many breaks to dance, jump up and down, sing, and generally fail at containing my anticipatory joy. I’m going to be in the same space with Stevie Nicks! Words cannot express how happy I am about this. I love her and am so glad she exists. She’s taught me much by what she’s shared through her music and interviews, and it’s provided me with comfort and strength. Music is powerful, and I don’t think I’d survive without it.
I’m on the brink of a new project with four other autistic women. I don’t have much to share at this point, but it’s where I’ll be dedicating my (hyper) focus for the next five years, at least. It’ll be my fourth career, in a way. First I was a soldier in the Army, then a full-time student, a software engineer, and now this new project. I’m probably not a multitasker. I do best when I give all to a single endeavor. It works for me. When I feel pulled in multiple directions, I tend to shut down altogether, so I’m glad I know this about myself.
Also, I think people who can juggle several things at once while still giving their best to all are incredible. I tend to stare at them in awe, despite getting busted for it often. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been caught staring, I’d be hella rich. I’ve consciously tried to stop doing it, but with no success. I suck at remembering if I can see people, they can see me too. If I were a decent photographer, I would take a damn picture, don’t you know. 😂
Next week is going to be busy. I have an appointment with an eye doctor, dentist, and the concert. I’ll also be meeting with the director of my local VA hospital and a Mental Health Professional before the dental appointment, to discuss my recent complaint of abusive treatment there. I’m low-level stressing about all three, but my excitement over the concert has all worries in an illegal sleeper hold. Yay. (I should probably knock out a few more difficult things while in this nothing-can-bring-me-down state of mind.)
On top of everything, I got an email from a dear friend I met on Twitter (before I recognized I’m social media impaired, SMI.) 😂 It’s a good thing Amy Lee already taught me I couldn’t die from being too happy. I have to say, though, if I get to choose, I want to die from overwhelming joy. I’m off to beat my drums while smiling like the doof I am. ✌🏽💜